SuperMuslims

That Unforgettable Moment

I would die for the sake of experiencing such a feeling.
I would do anything, ANYTHING, I swear, if I would be granted this feeling in return.

They told me that the Quran can grant me so. They said that Dua’a can help me reach it. And so I tried.

Everyday, I would do as they said. I would search for this feeling in the Quran; I would isolate myself from all humankind and read the words carefully in order to reach my end in mind. I pleaded to Allah; I kept on doing so in each and every prayer of the day, hoping that one day, He would grant me what I want.

As days passed by, nothing happened. I kept on striving, but found nothing in return. I kept on pleading, hoping that I can just catch a glimpse of how it felt, but sorrowfully, I reached a dead end.

And as I heard them talking about their first experience with that feeling, I kept on wondering about the reasons why Allah was blocking my way on my journey to that superior feeling. Did I do something wrong? Was I persisting on a certain sin that was blocking this feeling from addressing me?

I started reflecting; maybe I had this wrong habit that prevented that feeling from reaching me. As I realized my mistakes, I started fighting the Shaitan and my own self, putting into consideration that doing so would bring me closer and closer to my goal.

Months passed, and by each day that passed, I was omitting those big sins in my life, thus lightening my sins’ burden. However, I still couldn’t attain what I wanted. I still felt that empty feeling of loss and dissatisfaction; would all my hard efforts go to waste? Am I that unworthy?

I started losing hope. My mind suddenly got invaded by negative thoughts: “I can’t do it”, “I suck” and “I’ll just give up” thinking that this would make me less upset.

As I started drifting away, I started feeling angrier; feelings of frustration started driving me crazy. This is not me; I never give up so easily.

After a huge struggle with my coward self, I decided that I would give myself another chance. I sat on the ground, raised my hand to Allah, pushed everything ‘earthy’ aside to the back of my mind and started asking Allah to help me.

As minutes ticked its way through the day, I suddenly felt more powerful than before; I felt sure that I conquered my other coward self and had the confidence of all times.

As I started reading from the Quran, the verses appeared to be different. I didn’t face the same difficulty as before; I could read as smoothly as ever; each verse added something new to my heart.

Unlike ever before, I started relating each verse to myself. Even though it didn’t sound this way before, but all the feelings I got at that time were different; I felt that each and every word in each and every verse was addressing a certain part in my life and experience. I felt that what I was reading wasn’t just some book; it was providing answers to each and every possible question in my mind. Why haven’t I noticed that before? Was I that blind?

Without realizing, I found my eyes filled with tears from the shaking feeling I passed through at that moment. Tears kept on rolling down my cheeks as I felt so superior and high (not in the haram way). I swear, I’ve never experienced such a feeling in my whole life; I felt that all obstacles between Allah and I have disappeared. I could almost sense Allah very next to me, talking to me through those verses. I felt that I was in some other world where everything disappeared except Allah and this Quran I was holding. As my tears kept on pouring, I kept on reading with my body wholly shaking from head to toe.

I was able to do it. I was able to finally experience that feeling that all people described as beautiful and marvelous. How can Allah be that amazing? I am sure He wanted me to learn something from all that striving I went through.

What I was able to attain at that moment is just the start. I have to maintain it, protect it and work more on improving it.

Now, I can go on again. I can see that breach of hope hanging there.

And for that, I am thankful to the Most Merciful.

I am thankful to Allah.